My Quest For Love, part 3
All people and events in the the following text are real, but the names of all but famous people have been changed to protect their privacy.
The gradual rebuilding of my social life
Dave is a brilliant and supersuave guy who used to be in Cheryl’s bioengineering class and whom I’d gotten to know through her. Because we always got along quite well, we ended up agreeing to see one another monthly. And so I had another friend I’d see on a regular basis.
Then there was Francesca. I remembered meeting her years ago during a volunteer’s weekend of the Autism association we both volunteered for. I remembered we connected quite instantly and quite strongly and had some mutual interests. I remember playing this teambuilding game with her where both our legs were tied together, and how that was the most fun I’d had in quite some time. And I noticed on Facebook that, like me, she’d been going through a rough break-up with her ex-partner, a struggling career and similar trauma like the one I’d experienced.
Even though we hadn’t seen each other in years, I decided to contact Francesca and asked her to meet. I guess I was looking for someone who could understand what I was going through. And at the same time, I was curious to find out if the connection that was there so many years ago had survived the many changes our lives had gone through.
Pleasantly surprised, meeting Francesca at her home for the first time felt like reconnecting with a long lost friend. Even though we barely knew anything about each other or the lives we had gone through, there was something about Francesca that made me feel instantly safe to just be myself and share my thoughts and feelings. And, as with Dave, Francesca and I decided to meet on a monthly basis.
From acquaintance to best friend
As Francesca and I met monthly to just hang out and do fun stuff together, we gradually built up a deep, genuine friendship. As she told me about how she was barely able to touch her own body due to the trauma she had experienced with her former husband and the male sex in general, I didn’t really consider her as a romantic partner. I felt like she had to had to first address her trauma in this area before she could be with any man. Also, in a very spontaneous mood, she told me about how she secretly had had a crush on a woman and how she’s now really more into women. This further put her in my “friendzone”.
But then there was Devon. Devon was a guy Francesca had known since her youth. When they met for the first time in a long, long time, Devon’s body language seemed to suggest to Francesca that he wanted to kiss her. Francesca, in another one of those spontaneous moods, bluntly asked him about it, and this interaction would soon result into a shortlived but intense love affair.
Francesca shamelessly told me about how Devon helped her get in touch with her own body, rediscover her own sexuality and experience what sex with a man should feel like for the very first time in the 4 decades she’d been alive. She told me how now she was totally into men again. And I started feeling a little jealous that another man had filled this important role in her life. I started realizing that Francesca was leaving my friendzone, as I wondered what things would be like if she and I were to become an item.
Following her affair with Devon, Francesca told me her interest was leaning back towards women, though. But the cat was out of the bag by now and I was slowly starting to develop romantic feelings for Francesca. Yet I also realized that this was quite risky. If I expressed these feelings, our friendship could turn into a sexual / romantic relationship. But it might also destroy what was becoming a very beautiful friendship that I was getting ever greater value from.
For the time being, I tried to ignore my blossoming feelings. But almost every time I visited, we ended the evening with a movie. And every time we watched a movie together, we kept sitting closer and closer. This isn’t how I typically behave around friends of either sex. And it felt like an invasion of a personal bubble that I generally only allow by a lover. Beyond that, however, there were so signs of interest from Francesca’s side so I kept ignoring my blossoming feelings.
The flirting that wasn’t
At some point, however, Francesca had an unfortunate fallout with one of her friends, and I came over to be a good friend; to comfort her and offer my personal advice. Shortly after that, Cheryl started threatening me that I had had more than enough time to clear out my library and she tried to force me to accept a tiny amount of money from her for her to buy my part of the house we owned and that I had about half a year or so to move out my stuff. It was Francesca I came to for comfort and advice on this particular matter, and after that we started seeing each other on a much more regular basis. I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but what previously was just a monthly visit became a weekly or sometimes even bi-weekly visit. I would soon also meet Hannah & Elise, the two daughers Francesca had with her ex-husband.
During one visit where I was having dinner with Francesca and both of her daughters, Francesca asked me how my food was. “I’m not much of a kitchen princess” she said. “Cooking ain’t my expertise either”, I responded. “Then maybe I should go back to Devon”, Francesca followed up my response in what at least in my eyes was a very obvious flirt. “I’m taking cooking lessons, though”, I responded. She responded with nothing but a look that spelled out “i-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g”.
It was about a week later that I would meet Francesca’s best friend Dina and her family. When taking a walk with Francesca, Dina and Dina’s son Simon, Francesca told me she needed an extra driver for a trip of 3 weeks to Portugal she had planned to make with Dina’s family and was wondering if I was interested. Because I was confused about this totally unexpected request and how this would affect my blossoming feelings for Francesca, I had requested some time to think about it. I also didn’t really know Dina and her family, meaning I’d spend 3 weeks in a foreign country with people who were total strangers to me, which was a good additional reason and excuse to ask for time to think about it.
Later that day, Dina’s husband would tease Francesca she’s taken another guy to their home, and Francesca blurted out something akin to “I’m more interested in women anyway”. Yet, just a few moments later, when we were discussing who would be sleeping in which tent if I were to join them to Portugal, Francesca blurted out something akin to “I’m not sure it would be a good idea if we sleep in the same tent, because I don’t know if I can keep my hands off of you”.
As my romantic feelings for Francesca steadily kept growing, I decided the “mixed signals” needed to be addressed. This was becoming too awkward for me and I felt a desperate need to get clear view on what exactly Francesca’s intentions were with me. So I’d decide I would address it next time I visited her.
Of course Hannah & Elise would be there next time I visited. And I felt I couldn’t exactly discuss this topic with the kids around. But then Hannah started getting a headache from one of the many random philosophical discussions Francesca tend to have when we spend our time together. And in a creative moment, I decided it might be a good idea to take a walk, so Francesca and I could continue our talk without bothering Hannah.
While we were walking, I realized we didn’t have the kids around and thus could address the elephant in the room. But how do you actually start a topic like that? So we just continued our talk as we did before we left, while I was looking for an “opening” to ask about the “mixed signals”. Then, randomly, Francesca asked me how I felt about getting romanticly with someone at some point in the future.
“Well… Actually…”, I started, realizing I’d just found my “opening”. “You’ve been sending a lot of mixed signals towards me lately”, I said. “Me? Mixed signals? What are you talking about?” That’s how she responded. So I explained how I had been increasingly getting mixed signals from her, after which she responsed her flirtatious remarks were just “innocent jokes”, she really just saw me as a friend and has no romantic interest in me whatsoever.
I was both confused and shocked that I misinterpreted what seemed to be very obvious flirts to me, and quite afraid that things would get real awkward between us. Yet I tried to stay cool and casually told her that if at any time there was any romantic interest from her side at all whatsoever, that I would be open to more than just friendship.
I tried to be as explicit as I could possibly be in saying “I’m starting to have a crush on you” without actually saying that literally. I wasn’t entirely sure she got my message, especially with her also being on the Autism spectrum after all, but later communication demonstrated she clearly did. Quite to my surprise, little changed about our friendship at first. At first, it was like that conversation never happened. But it did seem to have planted a seed in Francesca’s mind that would soon change everything.
The other man
But first there was Brad. Brad was this old crush of Francesca’s she’d had this one-time passional sexual encounter with a long time ago. I have yet to understand the full grasp of the bond between Brad and Francesca, but it seems a bit similar to the one between Francesca and me, in the sense that they have a very strong friendship, but she’s the one with the crush on him, and the crush tends to go somewhat dormant if they don’t see each other for a long time.
Basicly, Francesca’s crush for Brad seems to be like a heap of ash that keeps on smouldering in the background when they’re living their seperate lives. Then, for some reason they see each other, and it becomes this insatiable flame, only to gradually wither away and turn into a smouldering heap of ashes again until the next time they see each other.
This time, however, things were just a bit more complicated. Brad had visited Francesca to share his emotional state involving another woman hé had a crush on. As much as this reawoke the flame in Francesca’s heart for Brad, it also made her very much aware of the fact that his heart was with someone else. He’d go so far as describe this woman as his “soulmate”, even though this “soulmate” was married to yet another man and totally unavailable to him. Yes, in case it wasn’t obvious already, my life (and my love life especially) resembles a bad Latin-American soap.
Francesca was at a loss how to deal with this situation. And, even though she was very much aware of my own feelings towards her, she somehow decided to confide me with this situation. Obviously I was disappointed that her heart was with another man much the same way she was disappointed Brad’s heart was with another woman. But I tried to be a good friend and offer the best advice I could, which was that she should either convince Brad to try a romantic relationship with her, since this “soulmate” chick was unavailable anyway. Or she should try to find “closure” and accept that Brad and her just aren’t going to be.
So Francesca and Brad had a little talk where he basicly made clear to her that he believed they had a mutual push-and-pull that was a very toxic dynamic for both them. He told her he refused to ever risk their friendship for what was going to by a possibly intense but almost certainly very shortlived and doomed relationship. Why risk a great friendship for a relationship that’s never going to work out in the long run anyway? That was basicly Brad’s take on the whole deal.
Francesca said that this had given her the closure she needed and was finally able to move on from Brad. But what would this mean for her and me? “I love you”, she said, “but I’m not IN love with you”. While there was certainly some degree of physical attraction from Francesca’s side to complement the deep friendship she and I had developed by then, I did not have my own smouldering heap of ash in her heart that I could fuel to turn into a blistering fire. Or at least neither of us knew how to reach it.
Yet, this didn’t stop Francesca from wondering if she and I should give it a try. Could she fall in love with someone without this burning fire she’d experienced with other men? Could a deep and intense friendship be a solid enough foundation for a sexual / romantic relationship? We both agreed we should try to start “dating” and things would escalade from there very fast.
From best friend to lover
“Let’s look at it like a journey”, we said. “Let’s not focus on the destination”. “Let’s just enjoy the ride and see where it gets us”. “Maybe we’re meant to grow old, maybe we’re just meant to help each other grow as individuals and then each go our own ways.” “Somehow the universe brought us together, though, and let’s just find out why that is”. This is how we convinced ourselves that we would be able to keep everything casual and that everything would work out fine regardless.
“Lizzie and I managed to stay friends for years even after an awkward sexual encounter”. “Hilde is one of my best friends today, in spite of us breaking up after a relationship of 6 years”. That’s how I convinced myself that it should be possible to limit the risks if moving from friendship to a sexual / romantic relationship Francesca would not really work out. “We already had this awesome friendship after all, and we’re both around 40 by now”. “Surely, we can managed this.” Surely, this should not harm our friendship”. “And don’t they say great loves often start with friendship”?
As John Lennon wisely observed, life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. A casual date soon turned into a first sexual encounter, as I stayed for the night in Francesca’s bed. That would turn into a whole weekend. And about one or two weeks later, I would be staying for an entire week and I’ll be getting my own little corner in Francesca’s home. While we agreed to do a LAT-relationship, in practice we were starting to live and act like a couple living together, especially when I stayed for an entire week.
The — at least for me — casual nature of the way we spent that week together gave me confidence that Francesca and I might be in it for the long haul. That the sex seemed very satisfying for both of us further gave me confidence that we were on the right path. Deep inside, Francesca was starting to panic, however, and was already looking for a way out. Yet I didn’t have a clue. But it wouldn’t take long before I did.
The crash
Before we ended up spending a week together, we had decided to start keeping a “relationship diary” and share the diary with one another, in an effort to take openness, directness and honesty to a whole new level. We figured this would ensure that we understand what’s going on in each other’s heads and prevent those awful misunderstandings that often lead to terrible fights. Unfortunately this turned out to be a terrible idea.
As I expressed my satisfaction with how things were going between us and my hopes and dreams regarding where this might lead to long term, this only increased Francesca’s fear that we were not on the same page, that we did not want the same thing and that she needed to get out… as soon as possible.
After that week we spent together, I kind of expected us to meet the next time the next Friday the kids would go to their father and spend the weekend with Francesca at least until Monday morning. When Francesca told me she wanted to wait until Sunday to meet, I should have recognized this as a “red flag” that something was wrong. I should have realized that she needed more space. I should have realized that everything was going much, much too fast for her. I should have realized that I was making almost exactly the same mistakes I had made with Suzie less than a year before. And I should have taken a step back to slow our relationship down while I still had the chance before our relationship train would crash into a wall, as I did before my third date with Suzie.
Unfortunately I didn’t. After expressing my disappointment I’d have to wait until Sunday to see Francesca in my diary, she changed her mind and eventually invited me over on Friday. Most of the weekend went as expected, but as Monday came closer and closer, I noticed that Francesca’s interest in sexual intercourse seemed to be decreasing. And when we finally arrived to Monday, I noticed she was very distant and she had closed herself off from me. “Are you OK”, I asked? “No”, she said. “What’s wrong?”, I asked. “Worries”, she responded. As she refused to give any further details, I was starting to realize what was going on. But by that time, it was too late to prevent the train from hitting a wall.
By Tuesday, Francesca had decided that our relationship experiment had failed. She had decided that it had been a bad idea to enter in a relationship with someone she did not have a crush on. She had decided that the sex we had didn’t strengthen our connection as a couple but actually reduced our connection as friends. Instead of enriching the bond we had together, Francesca felt like our sexual relationship was actually devaluing it. So going back to “just friends” was for her the logical choice.
While I had started to notice the thunder clouds above us, I had not realized how differently Francesca experienced our relationship. I’d rarely seen a woman enjoy sex as much as she did, so I was certain at least that part of our relationship was fine. And why give up now already? We’d barely been a month together. We hadn’t even had an actual fight yet. Why can’t we just do things differently?
Yes, she had no crush on me. We knew that when we started. But this didn’t stop her from genuinely enjoying the kisses, cuddles & the sex as much as any woman would who did have a crush on me. At least so it seemed. So why go back to friendship? Why give up the relationship altogether instead of taking maybe one or two steps back and retry from there?
My mind just couldn’t grasp what happened. So my mind again turned to pure and total despair. And just like after my father’s death, I started taking my mother’s lorazepam to soothe it, this time along with some xanax and a bit of alcohol. Yet again, I lived for about half a week in a haze, trying to cope with what seemed uncopeable.
“Dear, I fear we’re facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know and
Maybe there is nothing that I can do
To make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn’t bother
That I ought just stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do”— The Cardigans, Lovefool
The aftermath
As I’m writing these final paragraphs, it’s but roughly a week since I’ve started to crawl out of the train wreck. Quite to my surprise, I managed to reconnect with Francesca and restore our online interaction to more or less pre-relationship status. I won’t be joining her to Portugal anymore, though. And we won’t be seeing each other in real life anytime soon. For that, I’m afraid, neither of us is ready. We both need time to take a step back, let things sink in and heal from the wounds that the crash produced.
We’d both come to realize that our relationship was doomed from the start for a multitude of reasons. For one, there’s her personal recovery process from her former marriage that hasn’t fully completed, and lots of other unrelated issues that leave little mental and emotional space for dealing with a new relationship. Then there’s my personal recovery from my relationship with Cheryl, which much the same is still a work in progress. Both of us still have too much trauma to process, and a long path to go towards financial stability and comfort before we can offer each other the emotional stability we both need and are looking for in a relationship.
So what does the future hold for us? Panta Rhei, Francesca always says. “Everything flows”. The future is not set in stone and the dominoes will fall as they shall, no matter what. It sure is going to be tricky, though.
I still feel romanticly drawn to Francesca. She still doesn’t feel a crush on me. With conditions like these, it’s — relatively — easy to maintain a friendship when your only contact is online. But what about when we start seeing each other in real life again? Will I be able to accept being “just” friends after all the cuddling and sex? And what if she ever wants more than “friendship” again? Could we learn from how things went the first time and make this more lasting and stable the second? Can Francesca be happy in a relationship with a man she doesn’t have a crush on? Is she able to fall in love slowly and steadily with a man she strongly connects with? And is that what she actually needs, or does she simply need something else?
And what do I need? Am I willing to forsake my hope to ever have kids of my own for a woman who’s decided she already has enough of ‘em? Or do I want to wait for some “hypothetical mother of my children” who may never ever arrive? Do I want to grow old living together with someone as a traditional couple? Or would I be OK with growing old with someone while both living in our own homes and living our separate lives, only seeing each other maybe 2 days a week on average? I wish I knew how to answer those questions, but all I know is that I miss Francesca.
I’m afraid of what the future holds, because I don’t know if it’s possible to align our needs. All I know for now, is that I miss Francesca and e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g we had together… from playing board games, watching movies and visiting places together to the kisses, the cuddles and the sex. It scares me to think that I may have to give part of that to be able to maintain the rest of it for the rest of my life. It scares me to think I’ll want to told her against my chest every time we watch a movie, while knowing in the back of my head that that will never happen again. But at the same time, it scares me even more to think she’ll be gone from my life forever.
Panta rhei…
Panta rhei…
Panta rhei…
“Each of these lives is the right one! Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.”
— Jared Leto (as Nemo Nobody), Mr Nobody
“Everything works out in the end, even badly.”
— Jared Leto (as Nemo Nobody), Mr Nobody
